The Confusion Of Modern Empathy

abenad in ThoughtfulDailyPost • 7 days ago

I’m trying so hard to understand a lot of things at the same time, and one is the needs of people. Do people need people to listen to their problems, or they need solutions to their problems? If you ask me, I honestly don’t know.

People become angry when they are offered help after they have mentioned their problems. “I don’t think I need your help,” “I didn’t ask for your help.” It really is confusing because then, if you don’t need my help, don’t want my help, why then did you come to me with your problems?

I don’t know of anyone who presents a problem he/she already has solutions to to someone. Because what then becomes the point? I think this is something this generation is obsessed with. They’ll get so angry at you for trying to help them, and sometimes it makes me confused.

What’s more confusing is when you agree not to help them but just lend a listening ear. Oh, then they call you all sorts of names—unkind, wicked, nonchalant, and so many others.

Just yesterday, my very close friend, who always tells me “don’t fix my problems for me,” told me that she doesn’t see the need for her to keep sharing her issues with me. To be very honest, I was already tired during that time, so I thought she could feel that tiredness and was rescheduling our call. But that wasn’t the case, and I only realized that after she said, “A problem shared is still mine and you never present solutions”.

I was very surprised and asked her what she even meant by that. I became angry but calm. And at that point, I wanted to scream and remind her of the number of times I’ve offered to help her and the number of times she has refused to accept them. But I concluded that, it was a realization she had to figure out on her own.

Honestly, these days, I’m always tired because of my hundred and one to-do list but I always try my best to be there for those who need me. And that is something they don’t know. I believe everyone has their own issues to deal with but they still choose to be there for others and that is beautiful. So if someone offers a helping hand or a listening ear, the least you can do is acknowledge it. Don’t make them feel bad for wanting to be there for you.

Image is mine

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7 days ago in ThoughtfulDailyPost by abenad

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palomap3 7 days ago

Ohh this reflection is very accurate!! I'm afraid that people who have more developed empathy than normal identify with what you wrote. People usually just want you to listen to them and give them the reason, their reason. Other times they only seek compassion, to be the victims of what happens to them because that's how they are the centre of attention. Of course, we are talking about adults, not young people or children who still have to mature. Precisely for that reason each one must take charge of their problems, in that they are right, but as you say, if they share them with someone they must also be willing to listen to what they have to say to them. If it doesn't become a monologue that leaves you exhausted and without energy. I hope you and your friend find a balance point so that you both feel comfortable.

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3 votes

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abenad 7 days ago

This threw more light on this topic for me. Thank you.
I also hope I get to understand people more and more as time goes on.

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palomap3 6 days ago

You will do, absolutely. Remember to take care of yourself first as anyone else, it’s important for being able to support others. 😘

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abenad 6 days ago

Alright. Thank you☺️

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mviews 7 days ago

People will always be people but that shouldn't stop us from doing the best we can. Hopefully she acknowledge her wrongdoings and find a way to appeal to you because sometimes what we need is someone to talk to about our problems. Most problems solve themselves when you are have someone else ready to listen to them and share their own perspective.

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abenad 7 days ago

I just hope we don’t get tired of doing our best because with confusion comes exhaustion and overwhelming.

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mviews 7 days ago

Well, the truth is at some point we can get tired which is not a bad idea as we also need to rest and recharge, then try again when we are in a much better position to give people listening ears.

Regardless if your friend feels you should be her saviour when she can't save herself then I'm sure there are others that are ready to talk things without feel like you should be their saviour.

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abenad 7 days ago

Makes so much sense. I’ll continue for the “others”.

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calendulacraft 7 days ago

I can so relate! and have learned the hard way that most of the time people just want you to listen and be compassionate. Very, very rarely do they actually want your advice because, most of the time the advice is that they need to work harder or be a better person in some way, which is not fun to hear. It kinda goes against my nature but I have learned to just be quite and listen and say "oh that must be hard for you" or something along those lines.

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1 vote

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abenad 7 days ago

Oh wow! I thought I was the only one on this bus. I’m going to also learn from you that sometimes all I really need to do is to be quiet and listen.

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terjix 7 days ago

Whenever someone talks to me about their problems, my next question to ask is "So, what's your next step now? Or what do you want to do?"

I rarely offer advice unless I am asked. Neither do I proffer help unless I am asked. Because I never want to hear later on that, "I didn't ask you to do it. Or I didn't ask for your help."😅😅 That sentence is always a hurtful thing to hear. I hope your friend comes around though.

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abenad 7 days ago

That’s very smart. I’m definitely going to adopt this style because hmm😂

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roswelborges 7 days ago

Hello!
You've provided us with an interesting analysis!
It's a topic with different approaches.
Sometimes, I do believe that the fact that someone listens to us is valuable and even more important than any advice they may give us.
Greetings!

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abenad 7 days ago

Oh nice. This is another way to see it. Thank you for giving me this insight.
Greetings.

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roswelborges 7 days ago

Thank you!
!LADY

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deraaa 6 days ago

I was just thinking, “some people just want your comfort rather than solutions” and then read further to see that even that much was despised too. Honestly, I can relate with how you feel. People almost 100% of the time don’t know what you as a person is going through because you constantly show up for them. Each and every time and they take it for granted. It’s indeed a generational problem or maybe it’s just the way the world has turned the generation to be.

All in all, I have decided to mind my business. It’s best for my mental health and I’m already dealing with too much to worry what someone else is going through or how they view me at the moment.

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abenad 6 days ago

Mmm, another way to approach this. This is actually very good so far as your mental health isn’t at stake.
But then I was wondering how long you can mind your business especially when your loved ones need you.

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deraaa 4 days ago

Oh. Lol. Well, in the past, I would be one to rush to help. Especially when it seems they need it. But now, I have gotten to the point where I have fully understood that my loved ones are all full fledged adults. Should they come to me with an earful, I also expect that they understand my person and tell me exactly what they are seeking for: comfort or solutions? I don’t do well with confusion. But maybe it’s just me. That’s how I face it. Everyone is different.

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abenad 6 days ago

Thank you for the support

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in2itiveart 5 days ago

Are you asking in this post? Or are you just wanting us to listen? I myself, just want people to listen - unless I ask for advice. I have personally found that People need other people to listen - and that is all. People will figure out their own answers as a result of sharing and being heard. Especially these days - it seems like advice giving is on the increase. My spiritual advisor says the worst "vice" is ad-vice.

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abenad 5 days ago

Ad-vice. That’s so funny yet insightful. Thank you for your wonderful input.

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in2itiveart 5 days ago

I am so glad I could be helpful! It's difficult out there now - I have noticed for myself that if I candidly share my deepest and darkest with someone and fail to say beforehand that I do not want advice, they will inevitably tell me what to do - and that leaves me feeling so alone - lonely - because when they tell me what to do - we can't connect vs. them just listening and possibly sharing their EXPERIENCE with me of a time when they felt the same way - I feel disconnected from them - it seems like we have been so traumatized by institutions in which we put our trust - that we are using whatever we can to fend of "closeness" and in addition as long as people "know what other people should do" then they don't have to admit to themselves that they have no idea what the f*** to do - if they admitted that - it would be too terrifying to face - they might have to have an ego-death which is a scary thing... blessings to you!

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