Three-Tune Tuesday: The Reditune Doctrines

I glared at the box with hatred and fury. Could I distract Mort long enough to smash that vile piece of hardware into small pieces, and stuff them up his arse?

Maybe not the second part, in fact, that's a huge shudder. Mort was a chunky bloke and while not fat… if he's still alive, I am quite sure he will now rank amongst the British obese honourees.

His arse... well let’s move on from my ex-boss’s arse, and back to the point of this post, music.

...'The Reditune tape player, a most evil effigy, deliberately designed to torment and ensures the prolonged suffering of musically attuned Kwiksave Stock Lads'... - Source

The box was black, rectangular and silent. This was because I was in Mort's office, and while he was hell-bent on emotionally breaking me with the sounds of endless tinny, cheap cover songs on the shop floor, there's no way he would be subjecting his ears to that repetitive pile of humdrum, monotonous shit.

What's brought this on, you might ask?

I did like @bozz’s recent theme of songs that suck, or in my case severely overplayed whether they are terrible or otherwise, and that sparked an idea.

Stevie Wonder – I Just Called to Say I Love You (The Woman in Red – 1984)

1984? I was quite sure this was earlier and sometime around 1980, but my memory fails me again.

Just a few days ago, this horror of a song started playing in @bingbabe's car, sending me spiralling back in time to the days of Dire and 'the Horrors'.

Dire, having attended the recent Kwiksave Managers Course ‘How to Break and Psychologically Damage your Stock Lads with Extra Cheap and Shit Cover Music’ had purposely acquired this song in an extra cheap tape deal in order to torment me.

@grindle will attest to fact of these training courses and that they did exist, mostly held in Welsh to cut down on negative English propaganda via the press.

Dave Dire, while being able to speak in just English would have had a translator present and been forced to sign a non disclosure agreement or the threat of demotion to 'Stock Lad'.

While I love Stevie, I cannot listen to this piece of sickly sugary-coated crap any longer. Sir Duke, MasterBlaster, Superstition, even 'Isn't She Lovely' are all decent but this.., NO.

Linx – Intuition (Intuition – 1981)

1981, that is more like it. Mort was in his full stride and halfway to breaking my will and spirit. I can still hear that awful jangly riff followed by the repetitive lyric 'Intuition'.

I see the lead singer was David Grant, who had a successful solo career later and a duo with Jaki Graham three years later, 'Could It Be I'm Falling in Love', which is quite sickly, but I can abide it.

So, nothing personal, David, but 'Intuition' stinks, and now I am going to have to listen to it forcing those dark memories back into my brain.

I can see and smell the back shop once again, littered with empty boxes, cages full of cardboard, and smell the decaying jam with fruit flies clouding the tops in swarms. Oh, the joy of nostalgia.

Shakin’ Stevens – This Ole House (This Ole House
(Marie, Marie) – 1981)

Sticking with 1981 where my most ferociously evil memories lie, comes this wanker with a cover of a cover.

Let me make it plain, I fucking hated Shakin' Stevens, the original artist never mind these twats that were making an extremely poor cover, and endlessly tormenting my musical mind.

If you are non-music person (yes, they exist), then maybe this form of torture would be ineffective, but for me, a soul who is greatly aligned with harmonies and rhythms, this was low even by Mort's standards.

Day after day, I was hearing…

‘Ain't got time to fix the shingles’
'Ain't got time to fix the floor'

I was in severe ear agony, and day after day of relentless Shakin' Stevens was taking a toll on me. Having done a little research, I am guessing the 'black box' was a product of Reditune (Rediffusion).

The tape played continuously, consisting of 20 songs, each being 3 minutes long or so. Within an hour, it was finished, only to start again. I was there 8 hours a day, so I had to endure each one 8 times per day, 5 days a week.

That's 40 'This Ole Houses' every week. Can you see now what this does to a person?

@bingbabe works at Tesco, and every time I visit, I hear music. It's not cover music, it's hosted by Tesco Radio, and is their very own channel. What a great idea not to try and damage your staff. She even says she likes the music played.

Mort and Dire would have never allowed this. They wanted me to be a mindless drone and to fill the shelves, supplying me with endless pallets of Jam. It almost worked.

If this post makes no sense at all then read this series. It's long, hard and gruelling but at least you will know what fuck I am talking about.

Guitar Image - Source
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