‘Court is in session. His Dwarven Honor, Judge Aeler, is presiding. All rise.’ called Dollins, the elven court clerk.
‘Thank you Dollins. Okay, everyone, sit down. Right, counselors, we have a full docket so feel free to be concise. Who’s up first?’
‘It’s Caeller verses Magic Bean Incorporated,’ Dollins said.
Aeler looked at the defence table. A bright eyed, young, goblin sat next to a client the judge was familiar with. He addressed the attorney. ‘I haven’t seen you in court before.’
The attorney rose. ‘No, your honor.’
‘And how long has Anderman Sivronin Caeller been your client?’
‘Two four-weeks, your honor.’
‘Hmm.’ The judge looked at Anderman Caeller and asked, ‘You are still town Anderman?’ There was a nod of affirmation. ‘Can I assume you’ve not informed your new counsel of previous times before my bench?’
‘The law says if I pay my money I can bring my complaint, your honor.’
‘It does, Anderman, it does. Let me hear from your attorney. What’s the name, counselor?’
‘It’s Ghurrak’nd A Feal dom Sijardd, your honor. Most folks call me-‘
‘I’ll call you Counselor Sijardd, as long as you don’t feel dropping the patriarchal is too casual?’
‘Certainly not your honor.’
Good. Now, before we get to the claim, and your opponent-in-law,’ Aeler glanced at the other bench. ‘Good to see you this morning Counselor Muthicc.’ He looked back at the young attorney and said, ‘Would I be wrong in guessing you’re a recent addition to the Officers-of-Law Scroll?’
‘On the last addition day, you’re honor.’
‘Three whole four-weeks. And your first client already, and I assume you’ve gone solo instead of joining a firm. Because no firm would send you to court alone the first time. Indeed, you’d probably be shielded from us big bad judges and people as vicious as opposing counsel-‘
‘Objection, your honor,’ Muthicc, a giant, said with a smile.
‘Over-ruled, Counselor Mutthic. You forget I know how you play thabbin. So, Counselor Sijardd, before we begin I’m going to ask your client a few questions, and then you. It’ll only add a minute or two to proceedings.’
‘Yes, your honour.’
‘Excellent. Anderman Caeller, you’ve been represented in my court by three or four different firms. I need to be sure you understand your current counsel only has theoretical experience of court and no firm backing him. You are placing your claim in the hands of, for these circumstances, someone with less experience than yourself. I’m worried you intend to take advantage of your counselor’s inexperience and file a claim against his insurance should your claim fail.’
The Anderman snapped straight in his chair. ‘Absolutely not, judge. I have been working with counsel for the last two four-week and every suggestion they have made has been excellent.’
‘Even the suggestion of filing claim?’
‘Oh no, they absolutely advised against that.’
Aeler sat back and rubbed his brow. ‘As ever, Anderman, you make my head hurt. Okay, Counselor Sijardd, you advised your client against this claim?’
‘Yes, your honor.’
‘Yet you’re representing him?’
‘Yes, your honor.’
‘I worry that, despite client’s assurance, should he lose, he’ll feel less complementary and a claim on your liability insurance could cause problems. And even if he doesn’t, not paying your fee may feel a valid option.’
‘I worried about it too, your honor. So, to proceed, I drew up a contract which includes my full recommendation, and his decision to ignore them; agreement to openly discuss this in court; and a fee which would more cover the full cost of my liability quadrupling for a full year, on top off the fee for proceeding with the claim. And this is in escrow now. Your honor, I may be new and green, but I did learn a thing or two at school.’
‘You certainly did Counselor.’ The judge looked at the opposition table and said, ‘You sure you don’t want to settle? Our new Officer-of-Law seems sharp.’
Muthicc said, ‘If they were smart enough to see our lack of liability, then we’re happy to continue.’
‘Well, then, Counselor Sijardd, let’s hear your client’s claim.’
‘Thank you, your Honour.’ The young attorney stood, held some loose sheets in their hand, and said, ‘My client on several occasions purchased items directly from Magic Bean Incorporated, he has the receipts, and they are included in the discovery file. Anderman Caeller purchased products explicitly to grow a giant beanstalk. His friend is a cloud giant and since the shameful vandalism of the previous beanstalk by-‘
Aeler interrupted, ‘Yes, we know the case, carry on.’
‘Yes, your honor. Anderman Caeller has been trying to grow another beanstalk, to avoid the thirteen-hour journey on the Starlight Express. Over the course of seven months, he planted many packs of beans and none as much as sprouted. For the first few packs he assumed it was a lack of attention to the requirements for adequately growing the beans. So, for the next three packs, he assiduously followed all directions and, for the last two batches, recorded every action. Again, we have entered proof of these actions into the record and the recording imp is ready to testify. Anderman Caeller wishes to be reimbursed for the cost of the beans, materials purchased, time invested, and emotional toll that Magic Beans Incorporated’s deceptive advertising and fraudulent products have produced.’
Judge Aeler nodded and said, ‘Thank you, Counselor. Take a seat. And well done on your first representation to a court. How do you think he did, Anderman?’
‘Presented it well judge. I’m proud of him.’
‘And what about you, Counselor Muthacc? You getting flashbacks to your first case? Counselor?’
The attorney was in close whispered consultation with his client’s representative, Magic Bean Incorporated’s in-house counsel. He looked over and said, ‘Sorry, Judge. For my first time in court, I was second counsel and got to enter a piece of evidence on day two. Think I was a third-year senior associate before they let me speak to a judge as primary. My new brother-in-the-Law is already a credit to the profession.’
Ghurrak’nd A Feal dom Sijardd looked steadfastly at paperwork, face suffused with a flush. The Anderman clapped his shoulder.
Aeler said, ‘Well, before our colleague gets too comfortable with praise, I think we should hear the defendant’s position. Counselor Muthacc. Counselor?’
Muthacc had returned to whispering with his client. He frowned, turned towards the judge’s bench, and started to rise. He seemed to unfold upwards as opposed to standing but, once he reached his full nine feet, had an air of easy authority which his counterpart’s neophyte status had made impossible. ‘Judge, I find myself in the position of needing to request a continuance. Certain matters have been presented which I was not previously aware of.’
‘This is small claims court, Counselor. We don’t deal in continuances unless it’s for egregious breaches of ethics, or unavoidable issues like the sudden death or hospitalisation of one of the parties. Is that what we’re dealing with here?’
‘If it pleases the Judge, could I approach the bench?’
‘Is it that bad?’
Muthacc remained silent.
‘Come on up,’ Aeler said. ‘Counselor Sijardd, come experience your first sidebar.’
The three of them huddled heads together across the Judges bench, Muthacc bent almost double to bring his down level with the other two.
‘What’s the issue?’ Aeler asked.
‘The information I was provided with, and that from my brother-in-the-law, differ in key areas. My client advises Counselor Sijardd is correct, and I have been mis-briefed.’
There was a moment of silence at the bench. The gentle whisper of air-conditioning flowed round the room.
‘Your client is being represented by their in-house counsel,’ the judge said. ‘Counselor Homsin?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then let’s get him up here.’ Aeler leaned to the side, pointed at the counselor, and gestured for him to approach the bench.
‘Should I leave?’ Sijardd asked.
‘Oh no,’ Aeler said. ‘You get to hear this.’
‘Judge, how can I help?’ There was a nervous tone to Homsin’s voice.
‘Counselor, was anything our new attorney presented to the court a surprise, or did it match information you already had?’
Homsin glanced at Sijardd and said, ‘I’d prefer to discuss this privately, your honor.’
‘This is private, counselor. Now, did you fail to provide your attorney with everything he needed to represent you?’
‘It appears there was an error in preparing our briefing packet,’ Homsin said.
Muthacc, looked grim and angry.
Aeler said, ‘I’ll grant a continuance. But client is to pay the accuser’s full legal fees, both those incurred already, and for the next hearing which will be next week. Accepted?’ Homsin made to speak. Aeller said, ‘the other option is we proceed today, and the matter is resolved in the next few minutes. Would you advise your client to do that, Counselor Muthacc?’
‘I would not, your honor.’
Aeler said, ‘One week continuance,’ and banged his gavel. He looked at Sijardd. ‘Not quite a win, counselor, but a good first appearance in court.’
text by stuartcturnbull, picture by Aristal via Pixabay
I read recently of someone wanting very ordinary things happening in a fantasy setting. A small claims court where the matter at hand isn't concluded felt very ordinary. Traditional fantasy characters doing ordinary jobs felt the same. Apologies for this vignette.
Any percieved similarities between any UK or USA legal terms or practices are purely the result of watching too much television, and spelling variations are for effect.
