Have you ever been in a situation where you said something that you instantly wished you could take back the moment you said it, whether or not you eventually apologized for it?
It's been five months since my mom fell sick, and whenever I think about it and the things or plans I had for myself and my family but haven't been able to achieve due to the financial burden that comes with her sickness, I feel like screaming and asking God too many questions but since I got to realize that it is a psychological act which is called bargaining.
A few days while I was making my calculation expenses for the past 6/7 months for this year, I realized that I had spent more than a thousand, truth be told, I had bigger plans for the first six months of this year but unfortunately, that money wasn't spent on those goals/plans but more on my mom's health. While I was calculating what three hundred thousand plus would have done for me and those plans I had, I felt pained but I guess there was nothing I could do because health they say is better than wealth.
One of the few days, I went to visit my mom the state at which I left her the last I was there to visit her and the current state at which I met her was traumatizing to behold that I couldn't help but shed hot tears, because I was expecting a better her health wise after all the medical treatment and herbal remedies we've done on her but that wasn't the case here.
I was emotionally, mentally, financially, and psychologically stressed, and coupled with the fact that I had myself to take care of and my schooling, I was mad and angry at God, at her, and everyone around me, that I made some horrible statement, that got my mom weeping.
I made some sentences in the line about "Being tired of carrying the responsibilities alone, and that everyone looks up to me for financial needs, and all, and constantly getting calls and giving up on my plans for the year and that I am also tired, although I am older, they shouldn't forget that I am also human and also need someone asking about my welfare because nobody does, everyone is after their welfare and since my mom got sick, that became a bigger responsibility but I am ot getting any help and the fact that she worries more about her other sons even in her state than she does about me, was making it look like I was invisible, the stronger one, the bigger one and that I didn't need the assurance of everything being alright again."
But that was the opposite of me, I was breaking down, was at the point that I was beginning to question God and beginning to wish I had enough money to do more for her and that I needed her assurance that she was going to fight this until she was better.
Truth is, I knew my mom's health was affecting me every day and the more I saw that the situation was not getting better, I got traumatic and began to think a lot which was pushing me into depression because I was beginning to think a million ways about what to do but the finances to execute it was not handy and because of that I was all moody and I knew it was telling on my health too.
I didn't know what to do and that alone was pushing me to the edge and causing a break, that fateful day, I knew I was having a breakdown because I had withdrawn and refused to talk to anyone about it anymore and I was beginning to accept my fate, which was the possibility of my mom giving up the ghost and that thought alone was enough to trigger the breakdown, especially in the condition I met her.
Maybe I needed to relieve myself of such thoughts and burdens but that moment wasn't the right time because she was also going through pain from her health problem and pain that she had been in one position for months, and always needed help from people to do her basic care or cleaning like bathing and going to the toilet.
I was broken more when I saw her weep but I knew I shouldn't have said those things and more hurtful things I said that fateful day and I understood even though my thoughts were right, the moment wasn't and she may never understand the place I am coming from because she was in her own emotions too.
Well, I cried myself to sleep that fateful day and woke up with a probing headache, good thing I had one of my aunts who understood what I felt and was able to encourage me and made me feel better and when I woke up I had to go back to my mom and apologize about my behaviour and since then, I have been more careful with my words while I pray for her permanent recovery.
This is my entry to Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 56
Posted Using InLeo Alpha