Greetings fellow wonderful Ladies of Hive! It's me again Iris from East Java, Indonesia. Last week we celebrated my beloved boy turned three. However, I didn't come here to tell about the blast and the celebration, that will be for another occasion. Today, I wanted to share about the quite transformation from a woman to a mother, because for me it was never instinctively done, but a whole load of joy, wonderment, chaos, fear and everything in between.
Motherhood hit me like a rollercoaster ride I didn't queue for. I was happily married with a steady career. A nice life of typical middle class young couple with pretty much same hobbies and no ambition. We didn't really sure that we want childless marriage but for sure didn't expect the new member will come just after a year of marriage and in the middle of Covid pandemic.
But life decided to send another beautiful soul here, sadly to a very confused couple with no plan whatsoever to care of tiny human that needs 24/7 care and attention. Our worlds shifted, especially mine, since suddenly I found myself battling diaper changes, mysterious cries, and midnight fevers rather than predictable working mails, meeting schedules, and clienteles. The first months was nasty. I got baby blues, became depressed and then I decided to come home.
Don't get me wrong, he was a healthy baby, a cheerful one and the problem is totally on us. Nothing in our previous world prepared us to care of something so fragile and mysterious. But the changes was inevitable, I lost the woman I was and perhaps it was not just me, but the way nature works. I kept waiting the motherly instinc to take over. To be happy and content about my new role, but I just couldn't comprehend.
But it's true that you need a village to raise a kid and thankfully I got my village in my mom's house. Between my mother and my younger sister, I finally started to ease. The feeling of 'Did I do it right?' That haunted my sleepless night slowly dissolve into acceptance that there were no real guidance of handling a baby, because every kid is special. I was used to become a woman that know what to do because I was always independent. But she was lost, burried deep under 2 AM tantrums and rejected baby foods.
The the revelation came with a tragedy. My boy was hospitalized when he was about 26 months because viral infection. He got severe infection in his throat and couldn't swallow anything, so I admitted him in the hospital in fear of dehydration. Me and my husband just then realize that whether we admitted it or not, our child has become the centre of our life and we would do anything just to make sure that he was safe and healthy. It was easier from there and our bonds and commitment became stronger.
Last Tuesday, he turned Three and now fully transformed as a toddler. He used to go straight ahead whenever he saw any body of water and got wet. Used to love the bicycle ride, until I had to push him around the neighborhood at 4 AM. There was a phase when he couldn't sleep without all his plushies present in the bed. Those cute moments were long gone now.
Now he was stronger, less doctor visit (Thanks God!) and the headache of being a trained watchdog to make sure that he wasn't harmed change into a veteran negotiators who had to convince the logic of 3 years old to wear sandals, just 30 times a day. Still, every day I am grateful that he grown to be a healthy and smart boy who is full of curiosity even though I was not a really ideal mother.
The worst thing is to become a mature parents and handle our emotions. Especially mine, as a primary caretaker since my husband come here only on the weekend. I tried so hard not to raise my voice, but sometimes I just lost it and totally regretted it right after that. This emotional rollercoaster ride still on and will keep going, I know it. Doesn't mean that I know how to handle it correctly though.
But we reconciled after each stormy moments, and I really wished that it was enough to save him from any childhood trauma. I just hope someday, this journey will be easier though I was told that it was very unlikely. Still missed how he was tiny enough to fit inside my jacket, but surely didn't want to repeat the drama of weaning and meal introductions. Everything in this journey is so contradictory for me, but yeah life must go on right. We just have to face what came next steadily.
And about the woman I was? She still lost in between potty training and milestones that fallen behind. I tried to convinced myself that it was just because he isn't ready yet and not because something was wrong, but the fear was real. There were so many changes that he had to handle and his world shaken so bad, and so was ours. And I hope, someday I can meet her again with a steadier heart and mind. When that quiet and slow morning finally come, I really hope I can say that we did a great job so far.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my short reflection of being a mother. Please share your own stories in the comment as well. See you around!
