We had our first child back in 2021; a beautiful baby girl, only a few days before Christmas. Since the day she was born, she has been blessed with the company of both Mommy AND Daddy every single day, and being the only child, she always had our undivided attention. Every holiday centered around her and her alone, and every birthday was left untouched by the influence of other siblings. There was never the need to compete -- for anything!
Then, a few years later when she was 2-years-old, we welcomed her baby sister. When their relationship was new and fresh, they got along just fine! Obviously our oldest was excited at the prospect of a baby sibling. But, somewhere along the way, her perspective completely changed, and not only has it tainted their relationship, but it has caused her sister incessant suffering...
Of course, in the beginning, there was jealousy and the first early waves of competition emerged. A cute, younger sibling had appeared, and despite how hard Mommy and Daddy tried to be impartial, she couldn't help but feel like we cared more for her sister. The younger sibling was defenseless and sometimes she took advantage of that, only for Mommy and Daddy to make her feel bad about it. The baby never did anything wrong, yet Mommy and Daddy were ALWAYS upset with the oldest!
I suppose I can see how a lot of resentment built up during this stage, when a mind is too young to comprehend that your parents are NOT, in fact, picking favorites...
Then, we reached the point when the baby sibling became more autonomous. She started walking, talking, and playing. But, most importantly -- she could now defend herself. Having endured her older sister attacking her for "no reason" for so long, she learned to live defensively. In a way, it DOES become similar to an abusive relationship! 😩 They could be happily playing together, only for her sister to abruptly strike her! 😭
Our youngest daughter grew up believing that her sister despises her, and she ALSO becomes resentful due to the mistreatment she has endured...
Now, we are currently at the stage where we have two little girls, each becoming their own person. They can play together and cooperate, and they're both at a point where they can stand up for themselves. Yet, our oldest continues down her path of destruction. Her jealousy has become absolutely INSANE... Her baby sister is not allowed to do or have ANYTHING! 😔 Our oldest will continuously take away any toys that her sister plays with, tries to deprive her of her turns, blocks her from exiting the room...
It has reached a point where no one is even allowed to SEE her sibling -- she will block her sister from the camera when we are on video calls with family! 🥺
And, of course, the younger sister won't take her bullshit anymore! 🥴 Her go-to is hair pulling; it USED to be biting, and it took a long time to break our youngest daughter of that habit! She is not fully articulate yet, but she usually runs crying to us when her sister has hurt her. Our oldest, on the other hand, IS articulate, and she will lie and say that her sister "bonked her head."
However, despite being able to communicate, our oldest has rarely lashed out at her sister. She usually informs us that she is "mean," and once or twice she has said that she hated her. But our oldest very rarely pulls the "I don't want a little sister anymore! 😡" schpiel. She experiences some kind of twisted pleasure from depriving her baby sister of things, laughing at her misfortunes, and taunting her sister with what's hers...
I experienced the exact same scenario with my big sister while growing up, but we didn't have our parents watching over us every minute, plus my parents clearly picked favorites. So doing the complete opposite with our children, yet still yielding the same results, has made me question things...
Are first-borns just NATURALLY predisposed to be this way, regardless of any other factors at play? Could it be due to the smaller age gap between our two girls? Is it because of the fact they're both girls? 🤔
I feel like first-borns will always find a way to be resentful of their upbringing, of their younger siblings, simply because of the fact they have to do everything for themselves first. "I went through the first days of school entirely alone. I was the first to leave home and step out into the big, scary world! Everything was perfect when I was the only child..." I truly feel like first-borns are born with a victim complex that they never fully learn to leave behind.
Case in point: my sister and I are both fully grown adults now, ages 30 and 33. We have been living independently for about the last decade or so. About a year ago, for a brief period of time, my older sister stopped communicating with me. When I finally bothered to ask her why she had been acting in such a way: "Oh, yeah, I guess it was because your weed smoking really got to me 😕" I have not brought weed anywhere near my sister for several years! 🥴
