After reading this book, I have come to the conclusion that there are 5 major factors for the dynamic relationship between mothers and daughters. They are as follows:
- How Women are Socialized
- Reading Between the Lines
- Direct vs. Indirect Communication
- Jealousy/Envy
- Being Replaced/Competition
Without further ado, let's jump right into #1!
1. How Women are Socialized
It is no secret that men and women interact with members of the same sex in unique ways. For example, women tend to focus on common interests and opportunities to connect with one another, whereas men can just know the bare basics of one another for years and be perfectly content! 👍
But because women focus on the similarities, they also face exclusion due to the differences. Again, men rarely experience this problem. Yet, because so much of female socialization is dedicated to acceptance vs. rejection, the experience is inadvertently passed on to the daughter, whether positively or negatively. Daughters are much more susceptible to judgement from their mothers due to the experience.
2. Reading Between the Lines
Another trait that is common among women, is being indirect. And again, this could be a result of female socialization, "a woman shouldn't be bossy," etc., but it isn't a trait that too many men share! 😅
Women expect the listener to be able to pick up on what they really want to say, without actually having to say it! They believe that having a bond with someone (ex. daughters) means that person should automatically be able to interpret their tone, body language, etc. so they don't have to say what they really mean. It can result in miscommunication, on top of a ton of unwarranted frustration.
3. Direct vs. Indirect Communication
By that same token, women are also notorious for saying things that carry a hidden meaning -- a double entendre, if you will. You know what I'm talking about -- "Wow, you have quite the appetite! I wish I could eat whatever I want and still be a skeleton! 🥰" Like, yeah she paid you a compliment, yet a skeleton carries a negative connotation, soooo, was it, really?? 🤔
Mothers are also masters of this art form... "I'm so lonely... So-and-so's children visit her.. sigh.." Honey, you do so much -- is your husband even around?!" And God forbid you don't respond "appropriately" -- you'll step on a foot that you didn't even know was there! 😩
4. Jealousy/Envy
Another common characteristic among women. And if a mother experiences jealousy within her circle of friends, you can infer that she has definitely felt jealousy in regards to her daughters! 😱
The reasons for a mother's jealousy are endless: daughter excels in any capacity, daughter is younger, prettier, gets more attention, etc., daughter's relationship with father, mother regrets her own choices in life...
So why do mothers live vicariously through their daughters? You decide! 😁 Is it purely due to female socialization? Is it because mothers see daughters as reflections of themselves? Or is it something much more ancient, the fairytale premise of being "the fairest of them all"?
(Image created using an AI art generator on NightCafe)
5. Being Replaced/Competition
Many mothers, once becoming mothers, derive their sense of purpose from said role -- and rightly so! 😄 As a mother myself, I absolutely adore my role in our family. However, while some women are resentful at the sacrifices they have had to make, other struggle with "competing" to be a priority in others' lives.
For example, some mothers feel like they need to compete with fathers/their husbands. Sometimes children get along better with Dad than Mom -- Dad takes on less of the chores and more of the play, Mom tends to be the lightning rod that takes on more stress and lashes out -- and this can cause mothers to feel cast aside (remember: female socialization revolves around acceptance vs. rejection). You will often hear family members "picking sides." "Stop turning the children against me!! 😡"
The feeling can be amplified when the daughter becomes an adult, and her life no longer revolves around her family. Some mothers have a lot of trouble adjusting to "no longer being needed," having an identity outside of motherhood, etc. My Dad has always approved of my partners; my Mom has always worked to point out their flaws. Even with my husband, my Mom is sure to bring up all of his shortcomings, as if imploring me to divorce him, thereby continuing the cycle and ensuring I end up as a miserable single mother myself! I believe my mother's problem is trying to make the rest of the world believe that she is happy, despite knowing that it isn't true herself...
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