When we write about our fire, we often discuss it in the context of a soft candle: quietly burning until we call upon it to give us strength when necessary. But recently, I wrote about an experience that reminded me of a different kind of fire... A fire that rages uncontrollably, consuming anything and everything in an effort to keep itself alive. Sometimes, even you...
Have you ever been hurt by someone? Well, of course you have -- it's an inevitable part of life! How did it make you feel? Upset? angry? ashamed? But, most importantly: how did you cope with those feelings?...
This is one of my favourite lessons about fire. This quote comes from the show, Avatar: The Last Airbender. Don't worry; he ends up changing his mind! (Source: https://www.magicalquote.com/series/avatar-the-last-airbender/)
Throughout my childhood, I had heinous acts committed against me by a trusted male family member. When the truth came to light, he denied it, and my family turned away from me.
I was never given the opportunity to have a normal childhood. Some of my first intimate moments were with this man, and he callously stole them from me. My mother didn't see me for several years. My perception of love had been poisoned entirely, and I became involved with many things that I never deserved...
As I grew older, so did the list of Things He Stole From Me, until one day, it finally became my happiness. And in its place was this dark ball of such blinding, hostile rage, that it truly made me feel as though I could kill him.
The ball began to flicker and burn. Suddenly, every mistake committed against me was a huge injustice. I no longer cared about or trusted anyone. I resented every man and painted each one with the same brush. My thoughts were consumed with the neverending need for revenge.
This dark flame within me fed off -- relished -- in negativity. It fed off every single negative feeling, every negative thought. Worst of all, it refused to burn out. Could it be possible that the flame would kill me instead?...
This fire is reminiscent of Calcifer from Howl's Moving Castle -- cute, but deadly! (Source: https://tenor.com/view/howls-moving-castle-calcifer-bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh-hungry-gif-5334389)
This raging fire began to consume me. It had reached a point where I became dependent upon it. I began to idolize it, believing that it was what was responsible for my feisty spirit, my courage to enforce my boundaries. I wasn't ready to accept that it was actively causing me harm.
Eventually, I had to confront this reality: I could not continue to carry such a heavy weight in my heart. I was able to forgive everything that had transpired, and in doing so, I transformed the black flame that had been burning so fiercely for so long.
When I look inside myself now, I see a pale blue flame; evidence of a once raging flame that has been quenched. It is a quiet, peaceful flame, reminiscent of one from a bed of burning coals. I am still learning to control it, for there are some days when it flares up and demands to consume once again. But fire is life; this is a flame that I refuse to extinguish.
