If I should be honest, then I will say that I have an unspoken worry about my personality. Something that I am not always proud to talk to people about, yet it's that one thing I would like to change about myself. I didn't have to think deeper upon seeing this prompt topic because it's been one thing I have battled within me for many years, but I am still struggling to overcome this trait, or perhaps call it an attitude.
If I should change a thing about myself, then it should be the way I get too emotional over things and feel guilty when I discipline people around me for doing bad. One thing I know about myself is that I love maintaining peace and connection I have with people at all times. So five minutes of disagreement or misunderstanding between a person and me feels like I have disconnected with that person for ages, and it takes my peace away. The feeling of guilt will overpower me, and I will wish to reverse the time and stop a drop of that misunderstanding from happening in the first place.
Again, I found myself in a position that I definitely must guide or correct as issues arise. My position as a mom and an aunt to some people in my home has already given me the duty of guiding or correcting and placing some discipline, as the case may be, in order to raise responsible adults I will be proud of tomorrow. Now, I am always stuck with doing what is right and struggling not to hurt anyone. If you can understand my challenge, this is eating me up badly. The thing is that I can't keep calm watching things go wrong in my home; at the same time, I see reasons to discipline, but thereafter, I will be feeling guilty and so emotional for doing the right thing.
Something happened recently, and I had to seize my niece's phone for three days as a way to discipline her and curtail some excuses before it escalated. Sincerely, those three days looked like 3 years for me. I lost my peace of mind, and I lost sleep. Yet, what she did was so bad that she deserves a stronger kind of discipline, yet I am feeling bad that I am disciplining her to be a better person. Can you imagine that? I had to call two people, a friend and a family member, to explain to them, and they were like, "Nkem, why are you feeling bad for doing the right thing? Why so emotional? You are not helping that girl if you pamper her for doing wrong". Personally I know the truth, but still, I feel bad for punishing her. To crown it all, I will even apologize to her for punishing her just for me to regain my peace and reconnect as supposed; otherwise, my heart will get teary!..
I understand that a correction or discipline coming from a place of love shouldn't be a problem, which I observe, but yet, I still feel bad for doing what is right—disciplining a person for clearly doing the wrong thing. I am always thinking of how the person will feel, and honestly, I don't know if being too emotional is a weakness.
Overall, if there is ONE thing I would choose to change about myself, then it shouldn't be to put an end to my emotions towards people but to strive to find balance. I would rather love to see myself being firm and politely disciplining without feeling bad as long as I have good motives for my actions, which are always to raise responsible adults. I don't think that good corrections or discipline can be destructive, but rather it molds.
This post is in response to the ladies of Hive community contest #234. Find the link here to join if you are interested.
Images are mine
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