I stopped the habit of saying I was tired around people because in an environment like mine, that word tired means that I am complaining. Time, though we all have an idea of what time is. “I do not have time" politely brings an end to a conversation. "I am exhausted, and I do not know how to stop," opening ones around me that no one was ready to have.
I noticed this earlier this year. February, to be precise, when I stayed up all night doing something that I could have simply waited to do the following morning. I was not even worried about the deadline because I still had a lot of time to finish it. Because staying awake till that moment and doing nothing was beginning to look dangerous.
The moment I stop engaging myself, those things that I have been running away from might eventually catch up. The self doubt if what I am doing is adding up to anything, really. The fatigue. The loneliness of doing things in a way that most people around me was unable to measure or see.
It looks specific to me lately how I'm doing too much. And it has nothing to do with work volume. But the way I have been saying yes to three things at once, in the same day, because I decided to say no to one, it looks like I am beginning to slow down the momentum that I cannot afford to let go. I am going through my mail and my notifications before properly waking up. It is taking some moments to rest during the day, which makes me feel guilty that I should be up doing something better, like I am stealing away time from myself.
To be honest, before my mind was telling and willing to accept, my body told me the truth, which I had to sit with. I was yawning through some things I am usually enthusiastic about. I was forgetting some simple things that should not have been. And I am sure it has nothing to do with time. And to me, I feel that is as a result of pushing myself beyond the limit that I have always been pretending does not exist.
Thank you for reading.
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