The world marriage and its act is usually glamourized, romanticized, idolized but at the same time, it is so much deeper and complex than we think. As a cultured yorùbá man, while growing up and up to this very moment, marriages is not something that a lot of people give so much importance to because weddings nowadays are so much praised and celebrated than marriages and a lot of us or lemme say majority have been constrained to place their concentration on its glamour and appearance: the 6 feet dark and lovely chocolate guy with a nice haircut in a well tailored agbada, the light skinned hipsy lady with a flawless skin and a pretty smile, the matching Lace and Ankara Aso-ebi that is all over the social media. But what I have come to realise with all these social events that usually go viral is that, real life is not Instagrammable or happens in pictures. Real life is what happens off the social media, behind closed doors, when no one is watching, where true values are being tested to the limit.
As a social media person and a Nigerian, I have seen how society's norms, what people general expect and what specific traditions, cultures practice and value have influenced, shaped and drifted what people think marriage should look and this includes definitions of success, duties and roles. According to all cultures and beliefs even bringing in what has been commanded by the holy books, men have always been thought on how to provide and the women on the other side have been thought on how to be submissive. But looking at everything today, the world around us, the unstable economy, the hardship, and the recognition and acceptance that has been given to mental health, we must all take a pause and ask ourselves the question that really matters-what matters?
Well... personally, I don't just want a spouse, I want a partner. A partner who would be able to comprehend my chaos, my silence, and someone who is willing to grow and evolve with me. A woman who sees me not as a paycheck but as her partner, a woman who values what I say not just my strength, a woman who will always be beside me not behind me, a woman who wants partnerships not just possession, a woman who will see me as her co-pilot not just a hero. Yes, I want someone who is caring, emotionally balance and intelligent, hardworking. And of course, I want a praying wife, a best friend a woman who appreciates and values real and meaningful conversation about everything over superficial traits or looks.
Like we always say, bank account can fluctuate, beauty will always fade away, the banging shape will also leave it not maintained, but what will always remain constant is character and values. I desire a marriage that is erected and established on grace, honesty, trust without fear, vulnerability, patience, forgiveness, respect, generosity, growth, healing and becoming our best version. I want us to argue with purpose, get more connected with each other, laugh freely and forgive quickly without blame. And I willing to lead, but only to a woman who is submissive and committed to the wellbeing of the family.
I also believe that having a standard that you want is important but they should be rooted in what is real and ideal not just fantasy and imaginations. Wanting a partner who is lovely, romantic, emotionally available, and willing to grow together is not too much to ask for in as much as you are bringing those things in return.
So anytime you are considering marriage, we should always think beyond what we want in your partner and we should place our focus more and concentrate on what you will be bringing in return In the relationship. Because to me, an healthy relationship or partnership is not about looking for perfection but what you will be contributing either mentally, emotionally, financially and practically.
The unique thing about marriage is the idea of two coming together to become one by growing and adapting as time goes on. Even when life throws stone and the ship seems to be drifting, both partners needs to be one, supportive, flexible and always be in harmony. This is my honest idea about marriage standards.
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