SECRET N ° 366 🧹 🧹 The Unionized Witches’ Club 🧹 🧹

in #fr2 days ago

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# ENG VERSION

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🧹 1. The Unionized Witches’ Club

In the peaceful town of Tranquiloup-les-Bains, everything was calm — too calm — until one day a group of local witches decided they’d had enough of being exploited. They called themselves the Unified Union Coven of Modern Witches, but they preferred their nickname: The Rebel Brooms. Their HQ was a former laundromat turned union meeting hall, complete with an enchanted coffee machine, floating chairs, and protest posters that read: “A broom for everyone!”, “Fewer warts, more paid leave!”, and “Organic potions or strike!”

Their leader, Mireille Mandragore, 143 years old but with the energy of a fired-up union rep, had gathered her fellow witches: Gertrude Poildecouette, expert in failed potions, and Jocelyne Mouchette, the veteran tamer of stubborn brooms. Their fight? Brooms that ran on gasoline (because manually enchanting them was murder on the back), 100% organic potions with no chemical additives, and, above all, flexible working hours — because even witches deserve to sleep after midnight.

One problem: despite their iron will, they weren’t exactly skilled. Every time they tried a collective spell to push their demands, it backfired spectacularly. One morning, while trying to turn their old brooms into gasoline-powered flying scooters, they accidentally summoned… a colony of giant frogs that stormed city hall, croaking The Internationale. Gertrude tried to teleport them away: instead, she caused a rain of pink soap all over downtown. For three days, the townspeople slipped through sudsy streets, grumbling about these “occult hippies.”

Despite the protests, Mireille stood tall on her half-burned broom. Every week, she organized a picket line in the main square: floating signs, cauldrons brandished like protest pans, and magical chants echoing off the cobblestones. One day, they even summoned unionist ghosts to pressure the mayor. Unfortunately, these undead activists spent all their time haunting the municipal canteen to demand vegan menus.

The people of Tranquiloup-les-Bains had had enough — but paradoxically, they started getting used to it. Soap falling from the sky became a market freebie, the giant frogs turned into tourist mascots, and enchanted brooms appeared in self-service stands (when they didn’t run off on their own).

One day, fed up with their own magical failures, Mireille and her club held a grand assembly in the laundromat. After three cauldrons of coffee and a motivation spell (which accidentally turned the neighborhood cat into the cooperative’s new manager), they made a historic decision: they would negotiate.

They showed up at city hall in a delegation, their brooms spluttering like old mopeds, and offered a compromise: a grant for hybrid brooms (half gasoline, half green spells), an eco-friendly potion charter, and a flexible schedule with one night a week of remote witch work. Strangely enough, the mayor agreed immediately — since he’d been accidentally turned into a talking hedgehog, he preferred not to upset Mireille and her crew.

Since that day in Tranquiloup-les-Bains, you might bump into a giant frog handing out union flyers, a ghost making sure coffee breaks are respected, and Mireille Mandragore, proudly riding her brand-new hybrid broom, chanting: “A well-rested witch is an efficient witch!”

And in the union laundromat, between two loads of laundry, there’s a sign that reads: “Progress is magic. So is the union.”

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# VERSION FR

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🧹 1. Le club de sorcières syndiquées

Dans la paisible ville de Tranquiloup-les-Bains, tout était calme, trop calme, jusqu’au jour où un groupe de sorcières locales décida qu’elles en avaient assez d’être exploitées. On les appelait le Coven Syndical Unifié des Sorcières Modernes, mais elles préféraient leur petit nom : Les Balais Rebelles. Leur QG était une ancienne laverie automatique reconvertie en salle de réunion syndicale, avec machine à café ensorcelée, chaises flottantes et affiches revendicatives : « Un balai pour toutes ! », « Moins de verrues, plus de congés payés ! », « Potion bio ou grève ! »

Leur leader, Mireille Mandragore, 143 ans mais un punch de syndicaliste en pleine forme, avait convoqué ses collègues : Gertrude Poildecouette, spécialiste des potions ratées, et Jocelyne Mouchette, doyenne des balais récalcitrants. Leur combat ? Des balais fonctionnant à l’essence (parce que l’envoûtement manuel, ça fait mal au dos), des potions 100% bio sans additifs chimiques, et surtout, des horaires flexibles parce qu’on a beau être une sorcière, on a le droit de dormir après minuit.

Problème : malgré leur motivation de fer, elles n’étaient pas très douées. À chaque tentative de sort collectif pour imposer leurs revendications, elles rataient tout. Un matin, en tentant de transformer leurs vieux balais en scooters volants à essence, elles firent apparaître… une colonie de grenouilles géantes qui envahirent la mairie en coassant l’Internationale. Gertrude essaya de les téléporter : résultat, pluie de savon rose sur tout le centre-ville. Pendant trois jours, les habitants glissèrent dans les rues moussantes, râlant contre ces « hippies de l’occulte ».

Malgré les protestations, Mireille restait droite sur son balai à moitié calciné. Elle organisait chaque semaine un piquet de grève sur la place principale : pancartes flottantes, chaudrons brandis comme des casseroles et slogans magiques. Un jour, elles convoquèrent même des fantômes syndicalistes, censés convaincre le maire. Malheureusement, ces revenants revendicatifs passèrent leur temps à hanter la cantine municipale pour exiger des menus végans.

Les habitants de Tranquiloup-les-Bains n’en pouvaient plus, mais, paradoxalement, ils commençaient à s’habituer : on trouvait des savons tombés du ciel sur les marchés, des grenouilles géantes devenues mascottes touristiques, et même des balais ensorcelés en libre-service (quand ils ne fuyaient pas tout seuls).

Un jour, excédées de leurs propres échecs magiques, Mireille et son club tinrent une grande assemblée dans la laverie. Après trois chaudrons de café et un sort de motivation (qui transforma accidentellement le chat du quartier en gérant de la coopérative), elles prirent une décision historique : elles allaient négocier.

Elles se rendirent en délégation à l’hôtel de ville, leurs balais pétaradants, et proposèrent un compromis : un crédit pour des balais hybrides (mi-essence, mi-sorts verts), une charte des potions écoresponsables, et un planning flexible avec télétravail sorcier un soir par semaine. Étrangement, le maire accepta tout de suite — depuis qu’il avait été transformé par mégarde en hérisson parlant, il préférait éviter de contrarier Mireille et ses copines.

Depuis ce jour, à Tranquiloup-les-Bains, on croise parfois une grenouille géante qui distribue des tracts syndicaux, un fantôme qui s’assure que les pauses café sont respectées, et Mireille Mandragore, fière sur son balai hybride dernier cri, scandant : « Une sorcière reposée est une sorcière efficace ! »

Et dans la laverie syndicale, entre deux lessives, on peut lire sur une affiche : « Le progrès, c’est magique. Le syndicat aussi. »

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