Since today morning I am having some weird nervous feeling and thoughts. There is a reason to it. In Dec I am planning to visit the city where I grew up and studied and stayed for the first 15 years of my life. I lived in an orphanage there and the conditions of that place were not very great. There are some good and many not good memories of that place, and after I left that place I never looked back at it again. It's not that I could not go, but somewhere I was finding it uncomfortable to go. I was not mentally prepared. Couple of times I planned and I cancelled, somewhere I had a fear of confronting that place or you can say even accepting that place as a part of my life. And 35 years passed to that.
I have had very mixed feelings all throughout. Some times I had a strong urge and most of the times I never wanted to go back there again. Somewhere I felt it was not about exactly going to that place, but it was about the time. Because I always feel that those years were the darkest ones of my life. I had this feeling that if I would go there it would be like a time travel back in past for me. I have crossed a very long distance from there to where I am right now and somewhere I am scared of those shadows left behind.
While I am disconnected from the place, I am still connected with some of my school friends. One of my friend's daughter wedding is coming up in December and she wants me to be there. I am unable to refuse her and at the same time I am nervous, but this time I have decided to face it. Rather I want to break this ice for myself. If I would not take this step now then probably I would never gather courage again and it may haunt me for the rest of my life. One of the days while I am in the city, I want to visit the place I stayed for so many years and see how it is now. Since morning these thoughts are on my mind, how am I going to react when I step in there, how will I feel when I see all those parts of me where I spent 15 years and left them 35 years back behind to never look back again. I keep thinking about the bed that I slept on and the lockers that I used, the place where I dined and studied. Honestly it's making me go cold and at the same time teary and choked. I just do not understand how will I react, will I break down or will I be ok and my visit would sail smoothly.
I want to go through all of this myself so I am not taking anyone from my family. First I thought I would go with my hubby, but I feel I want to experience all of this just by myself without any interference. So I am deciding to go alone. It's still 2.5 months, but I am sure this is going to play on my head till then. Let's see how this experience goes. It's all going to be dealing with my mind and emotions. Probably I will come to peace with this area of my life which I feel is not yet completely healed.
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