You know there are some moments when so many thoughts just keeps rushing into my head, and then I find myself sitting still and just staring into space and wondering how best I can arrange all my priorities, so you know that feeling when you already have a list of things that are important, but then life just decides to throw more things at you, and then suddenly you start questioning yourself about which one will come first and Which one can wait, those kind of questions, yeah.....
So that is the exact stage I am at right now, both as a mother and also as just me, a person, see I am torn between what to do and what not to do and then , when I look at it closely, I see that everything feels important In a way, everything feels urgent, it is like carrying several loads on just one head and not even knowing which one to drop without breaking something that is very valuable.
See eh ... If money was not an issue, I don’t think these things would have even mattered this much at all, but it is because of funds are very limited that every decision now feels heavier, every choice feels like a sacrifice, so I just sit and think, maybe should I focus more on the children’s needs? Which is very important by the way, or should I do something for myself so I can help me grow and eventually provide even better for them? , It sounds really simple on paper, but then in reality, it certainly burns in my chest like a fire that just refuses to go out.
You know this flame inside me, it keeps me going and reminding me that even if I feel so overwhelmed that I cannot stop, I just cannot fold my hands and just let life come sweep me away, and see, some days, I will admit, it feels like I am standing in the middle of fire and the heat coming from every side, and then I don’t even know which way to turn.
So I just remind myself that being torn does not mean being weak at all, It just means that I care too much to ignore these things in a way, it means I want to do right by my kids, by myself, by my future, and maybe that is what this burning is all about burning, not to destroy, but to refine, to push me into becoming someone that is stronger.
Sometimes I just wonder if life will always feel like this, one big balancing act between what I can do and what I wish I could do, but deep down, I know I won’t let me give up, It hurts yes... , it presses, but it also shines light in my dark moments.
Maybe that is why I somehow just keep holding on, because even though I feel so torn, I know that something good can still come out of this.
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