So, just a few weeks ago, I decided to free my mind from constant worry and the anxiety that kept barging into my heart, making me keep overthinking about the problem and then actually taking away my focus on what needed to be done. Everyone goes through anxiety of different kinds, and most, just like myself, feel it's okay to carry it all on their own instead of seeking the right people to talk to. It's not bad to speak to someone because sometimes keeping things to ourselves won't pave the way for solutions.
Recently, I spoke to someone about my hunting for a job, and he suggested I speak to the pastor for help. As he said, "Though God will always help, that doesn't mean we shouldn't take steps, too." Like being recommended a job and then going to submit your application, get interviewed, and the like, instead of just sitting and folding your hands, expecting the job to come knocking at your door. Even when God wants to help, He also involves us in His plan through our actions.
Since I have moved to this area, the one and only thing causing me anxiety is my job. Every time I think about it, the truth is, the fear will always show — fear of just sitting at home without doing anything, the constant fear of feeling people would think you aren't doing anything worthwhile, but they just don't know what you are doing.
This is more reason I still show my gratitude to God for Hive because the truth is, I don't know how I would definitely cope because I am not someone to constantly ask for help from people.
Whenever my sisters or aunts call me, the anxiety often takes on another level, making my heart beat faster, especially when they ask me how far my job is. Once I try to explain the steps I have taken, that calms them down, but deep inside me, I want to get done with the repeated question, "How far with your job?" It's like feeling as if they are thinking I'm not doing my best, but the only difference is that I don't disturb them to support me except when they want to.
Though my sisters understand how I'm coping and surviving because they definitely know what's going on, I have learnt to talk to them and, in possible ways, they have been encouraging me with the assurance that all will be well. But my aunts still believe I'm doing nothing for now.
Just yesterday morning, my aunt in the USA sent me money, which was something I wasn't expecting, and when I called to thank her later in the evening, she was like, "I remember you today, and I know you are now in Ibadan and no job yet. So, just manage that until I can raise more money for you."
The truth? I was just smiling because yes, I may not have an offline job yet, but I'm not in a situation where I won't be able to afford basic necessities for myself. To her, which I believe was out of love and care for me, thinking I am not doing anything for now, I still appreciate her support even though I am okay even if they don't give yet.
I guess my anxiety is a result of the constant questions arising from my family because I don't like them asking me how far my job is, but I solely depend on God. I try as much as possible not to think too much about it but trust Him for the best. I don't want to keep letting my heart beat faster, trying to explain the steps I have taken to look for a job over and over again with my family, who I need to prove that I'm definitely not sitting idly but trying my best effort.
Aside from this, I have a few people, especially my Reverend and his wife from the town I served, who are also helping out to help me find a good job. Also, I am always praying and trusting God to do the best, which I'm sure He will, when the time is right for Him.
At least when I get a job that takes me out of the house in the morning and brings me home in the evening, the anxiety will definitely go down, especially with my family being at peace that I've got something to do for myself even though I have been working to survive from the online space for the past few years, which to them feels like a joke and unimportant. Lol.
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