Every morning I am greeted with the most glorious Winter sunrise from my back garden. No two are ever the same and it is like being given a gift at the beginning of each day - one which I am unconditionally grateful for and as each day begins I hold hope and positivity in my heart for the hours that lie ahead of me.
I try to keep my head high, my mind occupied with constructive things and to do whatever I can with what I have to slowly pave my way forward in this somewhat strange new life that I am living. There is a lot about it the change that I love, but there is also so much of it that is still almost foreign to me because I have shared so much of it with you for so very long… I just can’t help but wonder when my mind will stop being riddled with thoughts of you, of us and all the good we had in the life we shared together. It wasn’t all bad, nothing ever is.
I got some terrible news over the weekend that one of Jude’s friends moms had passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. I spent quite a bit of time contemplating the magnitude of impact that must have had on her family - the husband and two children. As I sat there thinking about it though, I realised that though you are not dead, the manner in which you left our lives is actually incredibly parallel to that of a sudden death and in many ways the emotional trauma attached to it feels much the same, if I think back to the pain of my moms passing, which was also very unexpected and fast.
None of this was ever how I thought it would be, not even for one second - though, despite my many efforts throughout the passing months to express to you, that a dead end was not ever my intention, it appears to have fallen on deaf ears - in fact, it is as though you were not there to hear it at all and instead, just decided to create your own new narrative, one where life never included Jude and I to begin with. Where our absence from your world has absolutely no impact on you and of course where I have been completely villianised from beginning to end.
To witness the man you loved so deeply and completely for so many years, walk away from you, your son and the family you had built without seemingly even giving it a second glance is quite something to swallow I will tell you. Yes, I am “managing” - some days are even “good” but accepting the possibility that none of the emotion or anything shared was ever even real is like having a knife twisted in my stomach every single time I think about it, no matter how much time passes and I just wonder when that pain will begin to ease - if ever.
Having been down a similar road before, I suppose the old saying of “time heals all wounds” comes into consideration… and I don’t know so much that it is really that it heals the wounds, but the severity of their pain eventually begins to fade. I do wish this would hurry the hell up though, so that I can stop walking around feeling like there is a hole in the pit of my stomach, regardless of what I am doing, where I am or who I am with - that hole is always there… an emptiness which my love for you filled.
I try so hard all the time, not to cry about it… to be strong, for Jude’s sake… well, and for mine, but carrying it all inside can become so heavy - the loss, the lack of understanding for why? And the fact that I will clearly never get any real closure. Well, acceptance of the reality is the closure I need to find a way to accept and I suppose I will get there eventually. Me doing this - writing this, allowing myself to let out what is inside me, to cry, to feel vulnerable and to allow it some space is a part of it I should probably give a little more respect and moments to…
Sometimes though, I feel like I don’t want to allow it space or emotion, because it hurts so much. And when is it too much? When and where do you draw the line and just move on. I mean, I am moving on - every single day I am moving on, but sometimes it all just hits me like a tidal wave again and I feel like I get pummeled all the way back to the start line. I know that isn’t the case, but it sure can feel that way when it is happening.
My mom always used to tell me to “let it go through you, and then let it go” - I have not done much “allowing” at all really, but today I am letting it go through me and I am going to do my best to let it go and let it be, so that I can step forward… at least for today.