Sometimes ago, I lost my voice, and I mean it, I actually couldn't speak. I had just returned from the theatre room after another surgery that left me weak as always. It was supposed to be my fourth and last operation, but then, I still came out with a different thing, something worse than what I went in with. Those years of illness had turned me into a very quiet person, I lost interest in a whole lot of things. I was the type who did help out at home, encourage people, cheer others on, and all, but here I am.... shrinking.
I remember lying down on the hospital bed that evening, the surgery happens to take hours. I was lying down and was trying to at least whisper a prayer, or a complaint to GOD...but, nothing came out. The weight of helplessness has really pressed me down, and I wanted the ground to just swallow me up.
I even wanted to cry, but I couldn't, nothing is coming forth, I was just staring at everyone while wondering if I'd ever overcome this. Thinking back now, I can't just help but be thankful for those periods and for all those who believed in me even when I had lost hope on myself.
Few weeks later, I was discharged and scheduled for another operation in few months time and that was when I started being intentional about myself. I started writing more, I love writing a lot, back then, before the whole sickness stuff started, I'd write novels, short stories and all, but I lost interest....I lost interest in a lot of things, there are weeks I won't even bother about my phone, I don't pick calls, watch movies, chat or even watch funny skits....I lost myself totally.
But then, I returned to writing, I wrote words of affirmations, for myself, later I stretched it out, I wrote for others too, I wrote healing words, advice, inspirational writeups and all. It was around that time I got introduced to hive as well. I created a draft for myself on my WhatsApp and that's where I write, as time goes on, I started posting on my WhatsApp.... and that's it. People I hardly talk to started thanking me for my post, some come into my DM for advice and all.
Well, I never knew that was the beginning for me, even though the illness was still there, I stopped hiding behind it. I realized my voice didn't go anywhere, it was just transforming, and in that new form it transformed to...it became not just louder, but impactful.
I began to write about different things, you can name it..... grief, shame, love, betrayal, hope, friendship, family, faith and all the things I thought had broken me. But instead of shame, betrayal, and grief, I found clarity, I found purpose. The same sickness that once made me quiet and overthink now made me loving, thoughtful, caring, patient, and empathetic.
You know, the kind of messages I started getting made me not lose hope in myself. Messages like...“Your post helped me." "I’ve never told anyone this." “Thank you for believing in me."
Money? I didn't have. Job? I didn’t have. Health? Am not at my best. But I had impact. I started growing beyond all of this, there are some people I share my stories with now, and they would be like...it's a lie. I knew you then, you never went through such. A lot of people didn't believe. It was then I realized that that sickness didn't bury me, it only planted me, and I happened to survive the ground, I grew roots, I sprouted, I grew strength, and found purpose.
I ain't perfect, and I always tell people this...."I am a work in progress." But I no longer wait for a perfect condition to do things anymore, cause there's no perfect moment. I speak when I need to, I eat, I take my pills, I rest, I write, and I create. The strongest people aren't always the loud ones, but those who remain consistent in making a positive change even when they are not feeling their best.
I don't just use my phone to escape, but for expression. I now do a lot of things, I am way better than years before, hopefully I'm done with the operations, but as you would know, there are certain work and certain things I can no longer do, but still, I'm never the type to sit down idle....I help caterers, I write, I make frames, I respond to anonymous messages, I document, I read, I pray..... And, I am healing, even as I help others do the same.
I still fall sick, I still go for consultations, I still take pills, I still feel afraid, and I still have days when I want to disappear. But I no longer hide behind it all again. So, if you happen to be in a certain situation, do not lose hope, do not stop holding on. You're in that stage where you shouldn't give in, because there is where your light will find expression, and maybe there you will be able to find purpose.
All pictures are mine(last slide is a screenshot of my WhatsApp status).
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