Not sure I understood totally all of your idea (words are demons, they limit the sense right away restricting it in those cages). If free will means freedom, thats what I am after very much too! 🙏 'it's more of what I need' do not sounds selfish at all, I am in same boat with you here.

“What means the freedom for you?”
“I’ll tell you what freedom is to me: no fear.
I mean really, no fear!” — Nina Simone.