“You know this is your constitutional crisis, right?”
That’s what my reflection casually said to me with so much weight that I couldn’t ignore.
She went on, almost like she was explaining something obvious. That a constitutional crisis is what happens when the structure meant to hold everything together begins to fail. When the system no longer works the way it should. When the rules stop making sense.
I laughed it off at first, looking away and thinking how silly. But when I looked back with a hard stare, it began to make sense and I wondered, what if that structure is me?
What if the things I once stood on, from my beliefs, to habits, and the version of myself I thought I understood, are no longer steady? What if I’m trying to live by rules that no longer fit who I am becoming? Because if I’m being honest, something has felt off and it gives this lingering discomfort that shows up when I feel out of place in spaces that used to feel a lil like home.
Perhaps I’ve been ignoring the cracks and trying too hard to juggle things even when I can feel it shifting beyond my reach. So I sat with it and started asking myself the hard questions. I couldn’t easily answer them though neither could I run from them. I let the tears fall as I thought about what I still believe in, what I’m holding onto out of habit, what part of me I have outgrown but refuse to let go of. Oh, the answers weren’t comfortable at all. Sighs.
I’m changing.
The things I used to tolerate now press heavy on my chest. The things I once feared now feel somewhat necessary. I am slowly stepping away from versions of myself that once felt safe, and into something unfamiliar.
And that unfamiliarity, most of the time feels like a violent relationship.
I suppose this is my constitutional crisis. Not everything falling apart, but everything being rearranged into something that makes more sense for who I am now. It’s not easy but it feels real.
I’ll make friends with the discomfort and sit with it for a little while, listen a little more closely, and allow myself to become even if it means undoing everything I thought I knew.
my response to the freewriters dailyprompt