Starting with my younger sister who came to visit me, and barely 3 weeks later, my younger brother had been disturbing her to start coming back because he missed her. They were both at the same University in Kogi State, and I guess he was bored and needed her to be back soon.
However, my sister had informed me of the reason why he kept insisting she start coming over because he needed to get an urgent item, and together with her, they would plan to find means through us. Perhaps he thought pushing my sister to us would make it happen quickly.
I felt worried about that, especially when I saw he could have come directly to ask for help instead of trying to go, and for me, I wasn't ready to let her go. She has been of help since her arrival and I ought to enjoy her company more. I told my sister to tell him to chat me up and ask for help which he was afraid to do. That got me thinking why he wouldn't come to me, his sister, and why he would say he doesn't want to disturb me because he assumed I was struggling, too.
At least, he could have asked!
This made me remember my experience and how long it took me to realise it's okay to ask for help. All my life, I have learnt to depend on myself and not ask for help. I have always believed, like my brother, that everyone has their own battles they are dealing with and going to them might make it become a burden to them, so I don't want to bother them.
Another reason was that I thought I always had the strength to carry my burden alone without needing help. I felt I must appear self-sufficient and capable of dealing with my problems. The worst of it is thinking if I worry others, they may see me as being weak or incompetent. So, it was better to just keep quiet and do my things silently.
It was even a hell of a problem for me to ask for help from my aunts, and many times, my sisters would remind me how it's no crime to ask, especially for financial support. The worst is to get a 'no' for an answer. This was something I hated, and that prompted me to not seek help but rather find a means to get what I wanted or, better still, wait till the opportunity slipped off my hand. Who then would suffer most?
I don't like being disappointed because I'm emotional. Tears would start dropping if I ever had to get a no for an answer. I had no choice but to always keep my problems to myself, and if anyone asked how I was doing, I pretended there was nothing wrong and would say, "I am fine," even when I was not.
Not until one day, I realised it doesn't remove a strand of hair on me for asking for help and that it's okay to ask. If I get it, fine and if not, I will understand the situation and move on, perhaps to the next person, until I get help.
I asked for help from one of my aunts, and it took me minutes to rehearse my speech before I summoned the courage. I discovered it doesn't hurt. I got to learn a lesson that day: if you decide to keep quiet without seeking help, things might be bad, and you'd blame yourself for it.
I understood that we all need each other, and once we can open up to people, especially those we trust, the better it will be when our problems are solved. Gone are the days when the phrase, "Problems shared is half solved," was an effective one, but today, even your problem becomes a story for others.
Although there is nothing wrong in telling others your stories, but some have made it like a badge of honour to spread your information to mock your situation. But sometimes, telling the right person is the best.
Stop assuming people won't help but take a step first. That's what I told my brother, especially reminding him we are family and if he doesn't ask from us, where would he go?
Although there are people who would turn down our requests, I wanted him to know that it's okay to ask for help and not assume or give an excuse to conclude someone can't help.
We don't know what people are going through unless we move close to them. What if someone has what you need, but because of your assumption they can't help, you deprive yourself of the help you should get, and that's to one's loss.
So, it's okay to ask for help. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't make you less and it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of wisdom and humility. It means that sometimes, all we need is someone to be there for us to support us when we are weak or incapable.
All images are mine
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