THE CHRONICLES OF GIN
A Serialized Gingerbread Man Retelling for Adults
Part 13: Into the Fox’s Unsolicited Backstory (as told in his own stupid words)
Okay, once upon a time, in a completely lame, non-magical forest, there lived a fox. That’s me, in case you were wondering.
Anyways, he was just a wee little baby with no mommy or daddy to look after him. He wouldn’t have lasted very long on his own, but a sweet little old lady found him while she was foraging for shrooms in the woods. She thought he was the cutest little puppy-kitten-baby ever (because he was) and took him to live with her on her farm.
She had a ginormous dog who was completely allergic to fun and thought he was the sheriff or something. She also had a weird, perverted cat who liked to torture animals in her dungeon in the creepy crawlspace under the feed room floor. That made all the other animals really uncomfortable.
But none of that mattered to the little baby fox, because the old woman introduced him to his real passion: cookies! Pinwheels, shortbread, biscotti, macaroons… he loved them all, and the old lady loved feeding them to him. His absolute favorite, however, was gingerbread.
Some days, the old lady would make a whole batch of gingerbread people just for the fox to eat. The little fox would hang out in the kitchen, watching cookies come to life and struggle their way off the baking sheet. Some were fast, some were slow, but they were all stupid. So very stupid. It was heaven.
But nothing good ever lasts. The little fox grew bigger and bigger, and one day he wasn’t so little at all. He was, in fact, a full-grown wild animal with a severe case of tooth decay.
Someone (probably her idiot son-in-law) called the authorities on the little old lady to force her to give him up to a sanctuary. There, they promised to give him “appropriate enrichment” and feed him a nice, balanced diet of pre-chewed, tasteless gruel for the rest of his days. He could live to be fifteen if he played his cards right, instead of maybe four, if he’d been in perfect health in the wild.
But the little old lady knew better. Who the hell wants fifteen years of that sh-t? When they showed up, she faked a heart attack and told her fox baby to flee into the woods, survive, and live free.
And so he did.
Obviously it was really hard at first, since he knew nothing about life outdoors and biting hard things hurt. But he lucked out and stumbled on a nearby campsite, from which he could usually steal enough soft people food to get by.
Still, every day for two years, he found himself dreaming about the taste of fresh gingerbread, longing for just one more sugary hit.
Then, one day, when he least expected it, he looked out at the river and saw what had to be the dumbest cookie he had ever met in all his days. It was like this dude had a neon sign blinking over his head with the word “IDIOT” on it.
But best of all?
He was gingerbread.
And so the very clever fox (that’s me), came up with a plan on the spot to get the very stupid cookie (that’s you), onto his head and as far into the water as possible so he could eat him up in a single bite.
😃
Harvey's a bit of a psycho, right? How does Gin get out of this? Does Gin get out of this? Has he been telling this tale from a cozy spot in cookie heaven? The answers will arrive in the next few installments...definitely eventually 😉
