There is a quote by Andy from The Office, where he says, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days, before you've actually left them."
That's how I felt about my first pregnancy.
I don't want us to get off on the wrong foot -- the pregnancy was entirely wanted! In more ways than one, I was over the moon. I knew that it was with the right man, now my husband; my heavenly reminder that it is possible to give life another try.
"But if it's worth anything, I would love it if you were the mother of my child. You would make a great mom!" His words from several years ago still ring inside my head; his sweet symphony of words...
It was an ideal situation. I was no longer held captive by a delusional lover who could not distinguish love from lust. I had just finished facing two of the most difficult battles of my life: getting clean, and getting home. A home that was 3,000 km away at that, traversed with the company of only me, myself, and I.
And yet, somehow, this pregnancy surpassed even that...
I was extremely grateful to have been in my position. I was healthy and fit. I had supportive family and friends. I didn't endure many of the common, unpleasant side effects of pregnancy: nausea, swollen feet, stretch marks...
Yet, for as over the moon as I was, I couldn't turn away from its dark side. The possibility that everything could change at the drop of a dime... The very real reality of impending * gulp! * childbirth... The acceptance that my life would forever change...
Rather than strictly focusing on the blessings, I amplified my own anxieties. I began dreading my certain fate, and a scream that has echoed since the beginning of man finally resonated with me: I'm not ready! How can such a sacrifice be expected of me? I can barely be responsible for myself -- and now another life!
I could not fathom the life that existed within me. I could not conjure up an image of the person inside. In a way, despite the damning evidence of my growing belly, it was almost like she did not yet exist...
Still, there was no other way but forward, and I marched on with grave uncertainty.
Until the day finally arrived...
The reality of childbirth had finally reached its pinnacle, and after months of screaming, "Not ready!" I suddenly found myself now screaming a different tune: "Hurry up and get this done!!!"
Just like that, it was done. And just like that, after months of uncertainty, it all ceased to exist. I looked down at the tiny, red, pudgy face in my arms, and suddenly everything made perfect sense. Those endless nights of trying to imagine her face -- I had known it all along...
And as I gazed down at her, I whispered to my daughter, "Oh, THERE you are..."
